Spend time with your kids, and have your own ideas about what they need. It won’t take away your manhood; it will give it to you.
-Louis C.K.
It is amazing to realize that there are events that take place each and every day that make me appreciate what it means to be a dad. Like I have said in the past, what I write may not be applicable to all dads, but this is the way I see it. I love my wife and I love my kids, and I can only hope that one day, they will know how much. That being said, here are some more observations of dadhood…
To be a dad means…
…to be the cut man of the house. A cut man is the person responsible for preventing and treating physical damage to a fighter during the breaks between rounds of a full-contact match such as a boxing, kickboxing or a MMA bout. Cut-men typically handle swelling, nosebleeds, and lacerations. Last week, my wife and I were in the kitchen preparing dinner and spending five minutes conversing with one another. It was at this point that we hear an argument and a thud from the den. Shortly thereafter, my daughter comes up and informs us that Alex’s nose is bleeding. No biggie, I head to the den to investigate the damage. What I find is reminiscent of the ending scene ofCarrie. My son’s face is covered in blood, and I guess he thinks it is snot, because he is incessantly wiping his nose with his arm and hands, thus spreading the blood all over his head, clothes, the furniture, and so forth. It is at this point I go into complete Mick Goldmill mode a la Rocky. How did he get the bloody nose, you ask. We later found out that Hannah “accidentally” kicked him in the face…accidentally. Perfectly understandable – I accidentally kick people in the face all the time.
…to extract, for lack of a better word, boogers. And, no, I am not speaking of your own. We all did it as children, and now those skills are paying off as adults. My wife is, for some reason, thoroughly disgusted by boogers, snot, and other excretions from the nasal cavity. I have never understood this phobia, but by default, this is my department. It is really not so bad. It is actually challenging and rewarding. Have you ever played Operation? Picking a child’s nose is an art form You must get the entire booger out of the nose without pissing the child off to the point of them pulling away or swatting your hand. Therefore, speed and accuracy are key. There are different approaches one can take when addressing the nose plug. There is the quick swipe, where one basically launches a finger at the child’s face and hopes to make contact with the booger; with this, a quick downward motion should dislodge the obstruction. If this does not work, you must hold the child’s forehead still to prevent possible injury to you or the child. After the head is steady, begin the excavation. Using these methods are usually successful. It sounds disgusting, and you may be appalled by my description, but removing a good-size nostril clog is just one of the small victories I relish. The bigger the boog, the bigger the accomplishment.
…to inadvertently force Mom to explain off-color jokes that you have told. This one is a stretch, but if you know me, then you know my wife has had to do this. Recently, my wife has been telling my children that she loves them “to the moon and back”. This is an extremely sweet and heartwarming sentiment…one that I took upon myself to corrupt. One morning, I heard my wife say this to my daughter, and the seventh-grader came out in me. I looked at my wife and mumbled, “I love you to Uranus and back.” I know, I know. Well, apparently, Hannah is able to decipher mumbling quite well, and she immediately repeated the sentence not understanding the juvenile meaning behind it. Oops. I could feel my wife’s eyes boring a hole into my soul. We continued with the morning and ignored the incident with hopes of it being erased from memory. That was weeks ago. Last night, my wife was giving the kids a bath and repeated her phrase of endearment, to which Hannah replied, “What is it you and Daddy say? I love your anus?” By the way, I was not home last night, but I kind of wish I had been.
As Dads, we find ourselves in unique situations. There are times when we are doing all we can to stop the bleeding. Other times, we are searching for that one golden nugget of truth. And then, there are even times when we would rather be on another planet.
By the way, this is Uranus in a blog…
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