Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry always gets the best of the argument.

-Voltaire

When it comes to dinner at our house, we do our best to remain a little old-fashioned in this crazy time. I do work some nights, there are the nights with gymnastics or soccer, and then there are even those rare occasions where Sharon and I actually get away and have a brief respite in the form of date night. So, when we are all together, we do our best to eat dinner at the table as a family. I know what you are thinking – it sounds fantastic, and for the most part, it is. But, I don’t think we are what one would call Norman Rockwell worthy just yet, but we are working on it.

As either my wife or I is cooking the meal, we have the kids set the table. This usually leads to an argument between them as to who is going to sit where, but that is quickly remedied with the most awkward seating arrangement for four people typically being the end result. After this peaceful exchange, the children are then told to use the bathroom and wash their hands. We are almost ready to sit down. My wife and I make sure all of the food and beverages are placed on the table, and that everything is equitable, because we would surely hear about it if it was not. We all sit down.

It is now time to say the prayer before meals. Yes, we are that old-fashioned. We like to incorporate both of our faiths into this event. Hannah says the “Bless us, O Lord” version. Alex says the HaMotzi, which is the Jewish prayer before meals. And then, for some unknown reason, Alex also grabs the prayer book every time we sit down and asks us to read the blessing from the good people of Ghana – he actually has it memorized at this point. I think all of our bases are covered. The food is now cold, but you can be damn sure it is blessed.

Ah, finally, it is time to eat. Now we start hearing how much the children do not like the food that has been prepared, even though they have eaten it numerous times before, and they knew what it was when it was being cooked. Commence the lecturing…then the negotiating…then striking the deal on the number of bites that are necessary to receive dessert. Not exactly winning the battle, but a somewhat peaceful dinner often trumps the need to finish green beans. During these deliberations is when I hear my mother’s, my father’s, and especially my grandparents’ (Memama, in particular) words coming out of my mouth. I am not complaining; I know it is necessary, but now I know exactly what my kids are thinking as I am saying them. And then I hear Alex’s voice…

“I have to go potty!”

Are you serious? You just went right before we sat down. This is crazy. And then I realize that we did pray over our dinner for somewhere close to 15 minutes, so I guess this is possible. I begin to wonder if during these meals that we spend together, are we actually together? At least one child is out of the seat at all times asking for hugs, going to the bathroom, or literally running laps around the table. All the while, we, as parents are doing our best to instill the table manners that were taught to us when we were children while keeping a straight face.

“Ok Alex, go potty, wash your hands, and then come right back here to finish your dinner.”

“Ok, bye!”

Alex is gone for a long time. Do I get up to check on him? Nah.

“Alex, are you good?”

“Yeah!”

“Ok, hurry up and come back to the table.”

“Ok.”

A few minutes later, we hear the pitter-patter of our son’s feet as he is returning to the dinner table…completely naked. Absolutely nothing on but a smile. It wasn’t as if he could not get his pants back up and fastened. No, that would make sense. He was totally naked. The entire time we thought he was taking care of potty business, he was, in fact, removing every bit of clothing. No shirt, no pants, no socks, no shoes…nothing. Now, it is up to us to react – which is exactly what he wants. Sharon looks at me, and I know this is my task. I have no idea what to do. He is so proud of his comedic efforts, and to be honest, so am I.

“Alex, why are you naked?”

“Because I am.”

Got it. That gives me nothing to work with. What the hell do I do now? Tread carefully all-knowing parent.

“Ok, sit down and finish your dinner.”

“Ok.”

He got up in his seat and began eating his dinner. Finally, we were eating a nice dinner as a family. And, as a bonus, most of us had clothes on. Bring it, Norman Rockwell.