To Be, or Not to Be

Nothing I’ve ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.

Bill Cosby

I apologize for the tardiness of this post as it was supposed to coincide with Father’s Day, but as we Dads know, sometimes we get a little busy. I first would like to take a look at the titles that have already been mentioned in this posting. Fathers and Dads – most people would deem these monikers to be synonymous; I would like to state otherwise. While the definition of these words is very similar if you were to look them up in the dictionary, I assure you, they are very different. To be a father, according to our good friends Merriam and Webster, means you are a man that has begotten a child. Congratulations. To be a Dad means something entirely different. We will get to that in a moment. You need further explanation you say? OK, here you go. There is a man that we all know that has brought being a Father to the forefront of society…Bill Cosby? Ward Cleaver? Alan Thicke? God? No, it is Maury Povich. If you have ever watched an episode of this awe-inspiring telecast, you know to what I am referring. Maury’s most famous statement made on a show is when he informs a fine, upstanding gentleman the he is or is not the Father of a particular child. He never refers to them as “the Dad”; always “the Father”. So, Maury smells what I am steppin’ in. I am a Father in that I have begotten children, but I am a Dad for many more important reasons. So, what does it mean to be a Dad?

To be a Dad means…

…that it is OK to cry. We cry when we find out we are going to be a Dad, and we cry again when we hear the heartbeat for the first time, and then yet again when that child comes into our lives. But, these are not the only times, I assure you.

…doing whatever that doctor asks of you during the delivery of your child, and I do mean WHATEVER is asked. There are things that you will see and hear that you never anticipated. You will never look at your wife the same way after that. There are many reasons for this newfound point of view, but mostly it will be because she is now your hero and the mother of your child.

…you know what meconium is. If you are unaware, meconium is the first dookie that your child brings forth. It is our job to take care of this gift that has been bestowed upon us. I equate this experience to the scene in Jurassic Park where the dinosaur spits a black, sticky substance into the face of that guy that played Newman in Seinfeld. Now, it is our job to clean it up. Have you ever tried to clean tar off of a dinner roll? It’s kind of like that.

…you want nothing more than to have that child lie on your chest and fall asleep. It is a feeling that you never want to end. It does not matter what else is going on around you as long as you don’t have to get up. Someone could come into your home, stick a gun to your head and rob you, and you would just look at them and say, “Shhh, if you wake this baby up, we are going to have problems.”

…middle of the night feedings involve you too. Just because you do not have the necessary attributes given by God to feed this child does not mean that you do not need to help with the process. In fact, my job was to get the child out of bed and place him or her in my wife’s arms. After much practice, you can actually do this without even opening your eyes.

…you are now the diaper checker. If there is a foul smell emanating from your child, it is your job to check if that smell is the result of a solid or a gas. I can recall standing in the middle of Walmart when such an instance arose. My wife gave me the look that meant I needed to provide an assessment of the situation. Without thinking, I ran my finger along the inside of the diaper to test…just gas. My wife, looking at me bewildered, asks, “what if it wasn’t gas?” I hadn’t really thought of that.

…licking pacifiers. There comes a time when a pacifier (sanity preservation device) hits the floor, and there is no sink in sight. This could be anywhere – the grocery store, the mall, or even the zoo. You could let your child scream for hours, or you could place that pacifier, that has God knows what on it (I mentioned the zoo, right?), in your mouth and lick it clean. Mmmm…unidentified filth.

…eating chewed up slobbered on food. Ah yes, there is nothing finer to my refined palette than a Goldfish cracker that is more of a liquid than a solid. I then like to wash that down – as if it was necessary – with a nice bottle of water with a few remnants of what was once a hot dog in it. I guess, in a way, it is kind of like a liquid diet.

…never watching an uninterrupted sporting event on television again. This is not as big of a deal as it used to be thanks to the wonderment that is DVR technology, but it is something that changes. I am not saying that this is a bad thing. In fact, there are times when playing with a puzzle, coloring, or reading a book are far more entertaining than watching some games. I have even tried to get my kids interested in watching the games, and this works – for approximately seven minutes.

…dropping your child off at daycare only to realize that it is water play day and there is no swimsuit in the bag. Keep in mind, you are already late for work, but there is no way your child is going to miss out on water play day. Come hell or high water, your child will play in the water, dammit. It is at this point that you drive all the way back home to get the swimsuit and return it to the daycare so your child can enjoy the elation that results from running through a sprinkler.

…wearing a tiara. You will be a princess; you will drink air out of tea cups; you will uncomfortably dress and undress Barbie; and, you will wear make-up. If you have a boy, you will play with cars; you will play sports and lose on purpose; and you will play catch with a perpetual look of fear on your face due to the uncertainty of the velocity and location of the ball coming at you. Did I mention that this will all take place while a sporting event is on TV?

…drool and snot are part of your wardrobe. Your shoulder will never be the same. When holding your child, do not wear anything that is Dry Clean Only; it will be ruined. Might I recommend patterns? I firmly believe this is why, after becoming a Dad, you are more comfortable in plaid…the mucus just blends right in.

…you will be peed and pooped on, and the crazy thing is the person defiling you is completely sober – and it is not you. When this occurs for the first few times, you will be disgusted and possibly start to dry heave. After these first few instances, there will come a time when you will just think to yourself, “Great, I got shit on AGAIN”, and go about your day.

There are numerous clichés and general statements that have to do with Fatherhood, but to be a Dad is truly an exceptional experience because no two Dads are the same. Each one of us is unique due to the individuality of our children. Having a child makes you a Father, but it is your child that makes you a Dad. I am not a perfect Dad to say the least, but I am trying; that is all we can do.

I could continue on with this list of what it means to me to be a Dad, and perhaps one day, I will, but these are just my experiences. As I stated, each Dad is an individual, and these statements may not apply to you, but as a Dad, we each have a list within us of what being a Dad entails. Allow me to sum up all of these potential lists…

To Be a Dad Means to Just Be There – Be there for your kids, whenever, wherever, and however they need you. A Dad is a Father, but a Father is not necessarily a Dad. Strive to be a Dad.