Marriage v. Dating

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.

— Jonathan Carroll 

This is an incredible assessment of what marriage truly is. For all intents and purposes, “the beginning of love” as Mr. Carroll mentioned, is dating. Walking carefully is, in fact, divulging things about yourself just a little at a time so as to not scare the living poop out of this lovely, unsuspecting individual and thus ending the relationship…or at least creating some exciting obstacles to overcome. For our story, we will concentrate on the man wooing the woman. It is incumbent upon men to portray themselves as both Mike Brady and Magic Mike all at the same time. We are expected to be Mr. Wonderful, when in fact this a-hole doesn’t even exist. I chose to go a different route with my lovely wife during our courtship. I decided to perform the daunting task of being myself. I realized that the only way to find “the one” was to just go ahead and let her know what she was getting into. This vetting process has proven to be extremely efficient and effective.

We dated for nine months before I decided to ask her to be my wife…to which she replied in her most romantic vernacular, “I knew it!” I actually had to remind her that she had not actually answered the question, and I was a tad vulnerable awaiting her response. Come to think of it, I am not sure if she ever officially answered the question. Oh well, maybe she is still thinking it over. We had an incredible wedding. Everyone we knew was there to witness and celebrate this love that could only be captured in a Nicholas Sparks book (I have yet to figure out why he will not answer my emails).

Our romance has continued just as before we had exchanged vows. As time has gone by, I have come to realize just how happy I truly am…initially, this came in the form of an extra 30 pounds. Now that is happy. This was the life I had dreamed of, and I made it my mission to ensure her dreams came true as well. That is what marriage is about, right? There are also a few other things that marriage means in addition to the realization of hopes and dreams; allow me to elaborate.

I believe Neil Diamond (a musical god) and Barbra Streisand captured this first element of marriage perfectly in the ballad, “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers”. Unfortunately, flowers, cards, letters, poems, and other similar affections go by the wayside in marriage. This should not be the case, but it is. I am guilty of this as well. I was a flower and letter machine when my wife and I were dating. Randomly, I would send flowers with a nice note or poem attached – this has ceased, for the most part. I do try and remember to do such things, but in marriage, practicality takes over romanticism at some point. “Do I really need to spend this money on a flower arrangement or can I do something else with the money…like pay for car insurance for the month.” “Is it necessary to spend $8 on a greeting card from Hallmark that is so generic that it is mass-produced, or should I buy the good beer tonight?” These are questions that a man must wrestle with. Here is what I will say, “I would buy flowers, but flowers wilt and die, and that is not a valid representation of our love.” Genius. Problem solved. Neil should look at Barbara and say that. Moving on…

When you are a man dating a woman, it is customary for you to pay foreverything. At least, this is how I was raised. Open doors, walk in between her and the street when on the sidewalk, defer to her choices. I still do some of these things. I open doors for her (although this has been relegated to date nights). I always walk on the street side of the sidewalk. And, once in a while, I let her choose what we do (except movies – she has lost all rights to this). As far as paying for things, we pay now, not me. We both have full-time jobs and we both make financial decisions together – even down to going out for lunch. That is definitely a change from dating. It is our money now.

While we are on the subject of money, let’s take a look at the concept of money. Marriage makes you frugal. There is no need to spend hundreds of dollars on a night out, or a birthday gift for that matter. Of course there are special occasions where this is still called for, but they are few and far between. While we were dating, we would eat out every night. Now that we are married, we question whether or not we should go to Starbucks due to the financial ramifications. “Do we really need to spend an entire $3 on a cup of coffee?”

When you pick up your date for a nice night out, your car is spotless. It is vacuumed, washed, and waxed, every time. When you are married, your car resembles what can only be described as Hoarders on Wheels. You invariably have to throw all of the crap that is in the front seat into the back seat just so your wife can get in (after she opened her own door). By the way, the fact that you are taking the time to throw these things in the backseat now falls under the category of “thoughtfulness”.

In dating, there is a sense of mystery – the unknown. When you are married, not so much. At this point in our life, nothing is sacred. We all know when we are dating someone, at some point, the flatulence barrier must be breached. Regardless of the individual that breaks down this wall, it is a huge embarrassing step in a relationship. This is odd considering everyone farts. Unless you have a medical condition that prevents this, everyone farts. You fart, she farts, your parents fart, your kids fart, the neighbor farts, everyone farts. My advice – get this out of the way as soon as possible. I am not going to say who broke the seal in our relationship, but it was a welcome relief when it happened. After this has taken place, farts start out as cute and funny. Within a month you are lifting your cheek to aim and performing the Dutch oven on each other. True love. At this point, you begin to wish the breach had not taken place, but there is no going back. Unfortunately, you can only move forward.

Moving forward refers to the comfort level that is now present regarding bathroom breaks. I have had numerous conversations with my wife while one of us is sitting on the throne. I would like to tell you that these took place through a closed door; I really would like to tell you that. I think sitting on the loo is a moment that a person achieves clarity which leads to better talks and wiser decisions. You are there in all your glory with nothing to hide. While dating, the bathroom door is always locked even if you are just washing your hands. There was the thought, “is he/she washing his/her hands, peeing, or dropping a deuce?” And if he/she is dropping a deuce, is that wrong or disgusting? Everyone poops. Now, after being married, it is not uncommon in my house to hear, “I gotta go take care of business.” It is a little cleaned up, but it still means take a dump. This is now an event that warrants proclamation for some reason. Just another way to showcase our open communication policy; isn’t that what married couples strive for?

Some say that I should tell you that we still do all the same things that we did when we were dating, but that is not true, and I think that is a great thing. I understand that there is an element of romance when dating that should remain constant, but this is not an easy task – especially with kids. I promise to work on this. But, I love the fact that we have grown together so much and we know each other so well that we have become one entity rather than two individuals. Everything we do, we do together. Whether it is discussing the financial implications of a late night Taco Bell run or battling through our struggle to have children, we handle these things together. With all the challenges that marriage brings, it supersedes these with incredible gifts that we cherish forever. My dreams and your dreams are now our dreams and we will do everything we can to make sure we see these dreams come to fruition.

Happy Anniversary. I love you.